Consecrated To Jesus Through Mary

Last Sunday, after Candlemas celebration, I kneeled before a statue of Our Lady and made a solemn vow of holy slavery. To her, my Queen, I consecrated my body and soul, my interior and exterior goods, the value of all my good actions, past, present and future. I gave to Mama Mary the entire and full right of disposing of me, and all that belongs to me, without exception, according to her good pleasure, for the greater glory of God in time and in eternity. 

I'm still pinching myself.

I couldn't help but think this is the beginning of the rest of my life. At the same time, it seems like everything that ever happened to me, my entire past, made this vow possible. I feel certain this is part of my destiny.

Two nights before, I copied the words of consecration by hand onto thick paper, a page off my acrylic sketch pad. It's been a long while since I wrote anything in proper cursive. I had to concentrate and be very intentional -- planning how to execute every word while anticipating the curves and dashes that it will eventually demand, deciding how it will forever occupy the next inch of white space, stringing letters as straight as possible, stewing in the meaning of each phrase, mouthing them repeatedly. I didn't have to write the vow. I could have typed it or printed off a ready-made form, or signed the book (Preparation for Total Consecration according to Saint Louis Marie de Montfort) itself which was my "instruction guide" for the past 33 days. But the exercise forced my mind, heart and hand to work in total unity and focus. 

I won't be able to unpack the entire journey to consecration on this post. But it was definitely one of the most meaningful things I've ever experienced thus far. I wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone seeking to offer more of themselves to God. Just to name a few of the wonderful fruits I was blessed to receive from Our Lady:

1. On the first night, I felt her presence so powerfully during meditation. For lack of a better word, it felt like a visit. She revealed truths about herself, things I knew intellectually but never really treasured in my heart until then. I finally understood that she totally knows and loves me, her daughter.

2. My senses now perk up every time I hear or read anything about Mama Mary. My soul delights in her!

3. Through the daily meditations and structured prayers, I inexplicably received pieces of wisdom I never thought of before. It's like being totally blind then suddenly made to see a certain truth about me, about Our Lady, about Jesus. What a gift. 

4. Freedom. Surrendering my life to Jesus through Mary -- renewing my baptismal vows in this particular manner -- is ironically very freeing. I don't know where I'll be this time next year or a decade from now. But I pray for the grace to keep saying 'Yes' to my Master and Queen until death. Trust has taken deeper root and anxieties about the future almost make no sense anymore. All is grace indeed.  

5. One of the favorite lines I learned is from St. Louis de Montfort's Prayer to Mary: "Amen, so be it--to all that thou didst do while on earth; Amen, so be it--to all that thou art now doing in Heaven; Amen, so be it--to all that thou art doing in my soul, so that thou alone mayest fully glorify Jesus in me for time and eternity."

If you perceive signs or invitations to learn more about this devotion, open your heart and allow the Holy Spirit to guide you to the next step. He loves you infinitely and desires to bless you lavishly through his faithful Spouse, Mary. Let it be!

Mediation on trauma

On my way home from another long day at work, I prayed the rosary, guided by an app. Sorrowful mysteries. Slow rain blurring my view of the road. I felt an inner movement to pray as a child would -- plainly and without reservation. It's my Father and Mother I'm talking to, they're all ears.

Scourging at the pillar. I imagined pieces of sharp metal tearing into Jesus' flesh. My brain cannot even comprehend this pain. Carrying of the cross. That's when the word hits me: trauma. Mama Mary experienced extreme trauma seeing her Son tortured, humiliated, stripped naked, spit at. She sees him bloody and dirty, wounded all over, stumbling, struggling to take another step, nailed to wood, taunted mercilessly. She sees him die.

In the natural, this trauma would destroy a human being forever. How did Mary deal with such painful and dark memories, the overwhelming sadness?

In the supernatural, God sustains and preserves. Something tells me she never lost reverence for Christ, peace of the Holy Spirit, trust in the Father's plan. The whole time that her world was in apparent shambles, her broken heart must have continued to love fiercely. Trauma, injustice and suffering could not undo her.

Together with her Son, she forgave all for all.

Then I thought about the other hardships she endured. She gave birth in a cave, in the cold, without her mom or a mid-wife attending to her. Then forced to abruptly flee their country, she and Joseph had to make ends meet as poor immigrants, isolated from their relatives and community. She was likely widowed by the time Jesus was 30. Some people may have gossiped about her. Some friendships didn't last. She got physically tired from doing house work and traveling long distances on donkey. Her hands were weathered. She didn't own fancy clothes or shoes. She had many lonely nights.

One would think the Mother of God (Author of the Universe, Creator of Everything, King of Kings) would have an easy and pleasant earthly life. And I have the gall to often act or react as if a problem-free life is owed me.

Mama Mary, please pray for me, a poor sinner. How easily I succumb to despair, how feeble my trust in God who has nothing but love for me. I long to be where you are. Help me to get home.